David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists II

One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.

"Players keep pointing at the bat and saying, 'Is that some kinda ball-wackin' stick?'" - David Letterman
TOP TEN
Reasons Canada Keeps Beating Us in the World Series

by David Letterman ©
#
Reason
10.
French baseball chatter very disorienting.
9.
U.S. players get sleepy standing through two national anthems.
8.
Special enzyme in Canadian bacon that turns players into game-winning zombies.
7.
American teams discouraged by Clinton's new RBI tax.
6.
All our secret plays are being funneled to them by that weasel Paul Shaffer.
5.
Exchange rate makes Canadian runs worth more.
4.
Stirring pre-game talks, which always end with "win one for Lorne Greene."
3.
They don't bother to use actual Canadians.
2.
Let's face it - we're a bunch of "Hosers."
1.
Those damn mountie umpires.

TOP TEN
Signs Your Team Won't be Playing in the World Series

by David Letterman ©
October 17, 1997
#
Reason
10.
Team's idea of a double play - bourbon with a beer chaser.
9.
Home games played in parking lot of local bowling alley.
8.
Players refuse to slide for fear of ruining their manicure.
7.
Manager in excellent shape from walking out to the mound after every pitch.
6.
Players keep pointing at the bat and saying, "Is that some kinda ball-wackin' stick?"
5.
Team uniforms made from duct tape and bedspreads.
4.
When team takes the field, more than a few are carrying folding chairs.
3.
On pop fouls, catcher takes off his mask, jersey, socks, and pants.
2.
Your best hitter's nickname: "The Sultan of Suck."
1.
Instead of tobacco, players chew asbestos.

TOP TEN
Yankee Excuses

by David Letterman ©
October 7, 1997
#
Reason
10.
Distracted by Hideki Irabu banging on locked door of dugout.
9.
Too relaxed after pregame massage from Don Zimmer.
8.
Wanted to spare New York drivers the gridlock of a victory parade.
7.
Them curve balls sure is curvy.
6.
Did a little too much "choking up" the night before the game.
5.
Wanted to spend more time at home watching CBS's new fall schedule.
4.
Tough to concentrate on baseball when you're heartsick about the Siegfried and Roy breakup.
3.
Tired from trying to help Anne Heche and Ellen DeGeneres have a baby.
2.
Hard to resist chance to piss off George Steinbrenner.
1.
Only gave 109%.

TOP TEN
Signs an Umpire is Nuts

by David Letterman ©
September 30, 1997
#
Reason
10.
His chest protector has large silicone implants.
9.
Cleans home plate with his tongue.
8.
The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.
7.
Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape.
6.
Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.
5.
Three small and very telling words: wears a cape.
4.
Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"
3.
Insists that "Baseball Fever" is the cause of that weird rash on his back.
2.
Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!"
1.
Long after the game has ended, he's still squatting.

TOP TEN
Ways to Mispronounce Hideki Irabu

by David Letterman ©
July 30, 1997
#
Reason
10.
Hidooby Irooby
9.
Hiccupping Caribou
8.
Pataki, I Love You
7.
Snoop Hideki Deck
6.
Hideki Irabooted-Down-To-The-Minors
5.
Iraboutros-Boutros Hideki
4.
You Rub Me, I'll Deck You
3.
Mike Tyson Ear Chew
2.
You Don't Know Deki
1.
12 Million Dollar Booboo


During a typical baseball season, David Letterman almost cracks a baseball joke every single day of the week.

Every single David Letterman Top Ten baseball related list can be found at Baseball Almanac — a truly comprehensive / unique collection that we hope you enjoy.

Did you know that David Letterman is a fan of the New York Yankees ? Share your own top ten lists with fans from EVERY team on Baseball Fever .

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