David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists III

One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.

"There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett" - David Letterman
TOP TEN
Things That Will Get You Suspended by Major League Baseball

by David Letterman ©
September 19, 1997
#
Reason
10.
Switching the Gatorade with the urine samples.
9.
Inviting some guys you met at the Port Authority to come shower with the team.
8.
Using Diamondvision to give entire crowd the finger.
7.
Having a batting average lower than your blood alcohol level.
6.
You've used too much pine tar and it ain't on your bat.
5.
For the last several innings you've played shortstop in a delightful cocktail dress.
4.
During "Star Spangled Banner," you do a slow, seductive striptease.
3.
Wearing your cup outside your pants.
2.
"Hitting for the cycle" with the umpire's wife.
1.
Corking yourself.

TOP TEN
Ways to Mispronounce Kirby Puckett

by David Letterman ©
May 9, 1997
#
Reason
10.
Kooby Pickett.
9.
Creepy Pockets.
8.
Bernie Crumpet.
7.
Turkey Bucket.
6.
Buddy Hackett.
5.
The Puckett Formerly Known as Kirby.
4.
Punky Brewster.
3.
Kent Hrbek.
2.
There once was a man from Nantucket who Kirbied his very own Puckett.
1.
Englepuck Kirbydink.

TOP TEN
Curt Schilling Pre-Game Rituals

by David Letterman ©
May 14, 1999
#
Reason
10.
Sit naked for an hour in a giant tub of Philadelphia Cream Cheese.
9.
Caress old Mike Schmidt mustache clippings.
8.
Call Pete Rose - see what the line is on the game.
7.
Kiss all 200 of my cuddly, adorable Beanie Babies.
6.
Smoke one of those weird cigarettes that Allen Iverson gave me.
5.
Wolf down burritos I shoplifted from local Wawa.
4.
Sing Boyz II Men "I'll Make Love to You" over stadium PA system.
3.
Run through the stadium parking lot snapping off antennas.
2.
Learn what not to do while watching tape of Mets game.
1.
Go rough up some snot-nosed Swathmore punks.

Another TOP TEN
Proposed New Baseball Rules

by David Letterman ©
#
Reason
10.
New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
9.
All players must squat like catcher for entire game.
8.
Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?
7.
Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game.
6.
Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around.
5.
At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of home team.
4.
For just $3 over the regular ticket price, you get to "do it" with the Philly Phanatic.
3.
Every time a player grabs himself you hear a slide whistle.
2.
Buy a ticket to a Mets game - get a free ticket to a Mets trial!
1.
9 players, 8 uniforms.

TOP TEN
Rejected Baseball Expansion Teams

by David Letterman ©
March 31, 1998
#
Reason
10.
The Fort Wayne Philbins.
9.
The Omaha Underachievers.
8.
The Rapid City Rappin' Grannies.
7.
The Sacramento Floridians.
6.
The Honolulu Hakamalahainamukululeis.
5.
The Old El Paso Taco Kits.
4.
The Georgia Groinpulls.
3.
The St. Paul Shaffers.
2.
The New Orleans Nancy Boys.
1.
The Washington Interns.


During a typical baseball season, David Letterman almost cracks a baseball joke every single day of the week.

Every single David Letterman Top Ten baseball related list can be found at Baseball Almanac — a truly comprehensive / unique collection that we hope you enjoy.

Did you know that David Letterman is a fan of the New York Yankees ? Share your own top ten lists with fans from EVERY team on Baseball Fever .

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