David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists IV

One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.

"Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass." - David Letterman
TOP TEN
Ways The Mets Can Improve

by David Letterman ©
April 4, 1994
#
Reason
10.
Simple team rule: No hits. No pancakes.
9.
Set goals lower and try to make Little League World Series.
8.
Curry favor with umpire by helping him make huge profit in cattle futures.
7.
Chewing tobacco with steroids.
6.
Get rid of Darryl Strawberry.
5.
Bench entire team, give bat to trained monkey.
4.
Maximum two arrests per season for all players.
3.
Hire ghost of Ty Cobb to hang around dugout and give out kicks in the ass.
2.
Throw opposing pitcher off his game by using F-word 13 times.
1.
Across-the-board 25% reduction in sucking.

TOP TEN
Signs You're Not Watching A Real Baseball Team

by David Letterman ©
December 4, 1995
#
Reason
10.
You recognize batter as the kid who just sold you a hot dog.
9.
Everytime a player slides into second, he busts his hip.
8.
They keep shouting "do over!"
7.
When umpire yells, "strike three," batter looks at him as if the dude's speakin' French.
6.
Try as they might, they just can't scratch themselves like professionals.
5.
First base: Siskel. Second base: Ebert.
4.
Game stops when some lady in a house near the stadium shouts "dinner time!"
3.
Players constantly adjusting each other's cups.
2.
You overhear the coach yelling, "run Forrest, run!"
1.
They play like the Mets.

TOP TEN
Least Popular Snacks Sold At The World Series

by David Letterman ©
October 25, 1995
#
Reason
10.
Darryl Strawberry's Crack Jacks.
9.
Dugout Oysters.
8.
Brent Musburgers.
7.
Caramel-coated Bullpen Sweepin's.
6.
Big League Spew.
5.
Ted Turner Mustache Crisps.
4.
Foul McNuggets.
3.
Steinbrenner's-In-A-Basket.
2.
Sandy Alomar Malomars.
1.
Athletic Cup-cakes.

TOP TEN
Horrifying Secrets of Cal Ripken

by David Letterman ©
September 6, 1995
#
Reason
10.
For the last year, has eaten nothing but deep-fried oriole.
9.
Thinks he's breaking the "Lou Grant" record.
8.
Corks his pants.
7.
Just like Lassie, there are five Cal Ripkens. Each one has played in only 426 consecutive games.
6.
Once planted a bloody first-baseman's glove.
5.
According to Mrs. Ripken, not exactly an "Iron Man" in the bedroom.
4.
Also has perfect attendance at the local "Hooters."
3.
Recently considered skipping a game to attend a John Tesh concert.
2.
Has been spotted leaving Marge Schott's place early in the morning.
1.
Two words: Switch Hitter.

TOP TEN
Other Ways To Forfeit A Baseball Game

by David Letterman ©
August 11, 1995
#
Reason
10.
Have stadium announcer start "outing" players.
9.
From blimp high above field, drop Babe Ruth onto pitcher's mound.
8.
Players blood-alcohol level higher than their on-base percentage.
7.
Catcher fails to pass local emission standards.
6.
Fans get to third base with players' wives, if you know what I mean.
5.
Being caught wearing the still experimental "Wondercup."
4.
Have Dick Assman do all the pitching (Video of Assman lame pitch shown).
3.
New ball girl? Divine Brown.
2.
Ask announcer to introduce you as "The Unabatter."
1.
Three words: Bloody Glove Day.


During a typical baseball season, David Letterman almost cracks a baseball joke every single day of the week.

Every single David Letterman Top Ten baseball related list can be found at Baseball Almanac — a truly comprehensive / unique collection that we hope you enjoy.

Did you know that David Letterman is a fan of the New York Yankees ? Share your own top ten lists with fans from EVERY team on Baseball Fever .

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