David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists V

One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.

"Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?" - David Letterman
TOP TEN
Chili Davis' Complaints About Fans

by David Letterman ©
July 31, 1995
#
Reason
10.
When your hand is too tired from signing autographs to make a fist.
9.
They get all huffy when you crack their skull with a Louisville Slugger.
8.
Don't understand the pressure of making $18,000 an at bat.
7.
When they give me their liver - and I don't need a new liver!
6.
When fans try to adjust your cup.
5.
After you finish bloodying their nose, they almost never share their nachos with you.
4.
They keep confusing him with Pittsburgh Pirates' "Hungarian Goulash Davis."
3.
Don't understand that it's hard to keep your temper under control when you're full of steroids.
2.
Think only New York players can act like jerks.
1.
Can't take a punch Chili Davis'.

TOP TEN
Ways Major League Baseball Teams Can Win Back The Fans

by David Letterman ©
May 8, 1995
#
Reason
10.
New rule: catch a foul ball, win the salary of the guy who hit it.
9.
All players must squat like catcher for entire game.
8.
Remember Babe Ruth? Well, how about some more of them ball playin' fat dudes?
7.
Instead of the National Anthem, sing "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" before every game.
6.
Players can't do drugs unless they bring enough to go around.
5.
At the end of bat night, fans get to beat the crap out of home team.
4.
For just three dollars over the regular ticket price, you get to "do it" with the Philly Phanatic.
3.
Every time a player grabs himself you hear this (Slide whistle sound heard).
2.
Buy a ticket to a Mets game - get a free ticket to a Mets trial!
1.
9 players, 8 uniforms.

TOP TEN
Ways The Mets Can Improve This Year

by David Letterman ©
April 4, 1995
#
Reason
10.
Don't just suck - suck 110%.
9.
Require players to bet on games so they care about outcome.
8.
Instead of baseball hats - Donahue wigs.
7.
No beers till the seventh inning.
6.
A little less "polishing the bat," if you know what I mean.
5.
Wait at least until All-Star break to get indicted.
4.
Stop letting Kato Kaelin sleep in the dugout.
3.
Two words: Coach Gump.
2.
Forget about having Letterman host annual awards banquet.
1.
Keep the replacements.

TOP TEN
Ways New Yorkers are Celebrating The Yankees' World Series Victory

by David Letterman ©
October 28, 1996
#
Reason
10.
Loan sharks collecting debts with autographed Bernie Williams baseball bats.
9.
Street vendors boiling their hot dogs in tobacco juice.
8.
Statue of Liberty replaced with gigantic lifesize statue of Cecil Fielder.
7.
All chalk body outlines drawn in catcher's squatting position.
6.
Sports bars serving beer in cups worn by actual Yankees.
5.
Mob corpses in East River are now wearing those foam rubber "We're #1!" fingers.
4.
Mayor Giuliani shaving "Yankees Rule!" into his combover.
3.
Cast of "CATS" ending every show by scratching themselves.
2.
Two words: Pinstriped hookers.
1.
Smokin', drinkin', and fightin'.

TOP TEN
Punchlines to Dirty Baseball Jokes

by David Letterman ©
May 9, 1996
#
Reason
10.
When he pops one up, he really pops one up.
9.
And she said, 'how do you get it to curve like that?'
8.
Holy Cow, I can't believe it. Another trip to the mound.
7.
That's the biggest strike zone I've ever seen.
6.
So his wife says, 'It's not a Ball Park Frank, but it plumps when I cook it.'
5.
The last time I caught fungoes, I was in Mexico.
4.
Just pretend you're Bill Buckner, let it go between your legs.
3.
All I know is, it had pinstripes.
2.
Whoops, I thought you said Orel Hershiser.
1.
It's not a Louisville Slugger, but keep choking up.


During a typical baseball season, David Letterman almost cracks a baseball joke every single day of the week.

Every single David Letterman Top Ten baseball related list can be found at Baseball Almanac — a truly comprehensive / unique collection that we hope you enjoy.

Did you know that David Letterman is a fan of the New York Yankees ? Share your own top ten lists with fans from EVERY team on Baseball Fever .

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