David Letterman Top Ten Baseball Lists X

One of the absolute funniest late night comedians has always been David Letterman. His legendary Top Ten lists have made fans of the show laugh on a nightly basis and on occasion they have pointed their humor towards baseball at large.

"98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats - up from usual 94%." - David Letterman
TOP TEN
Signs New York Has Baseball Fever

by David Letterman ©
October 13, 2000
#
Reason
10.
98% of New Yorkers walking around carrying bats - up from usual 94%.
9.
Teams are doing so well Hillary Clinton split on whom to pretend to root for.
8.
Inscription on Statue of Liberty reads "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,
and we'll beat them in a best-of-seven series".
7.
Sirens on ambulances play "We Will Rock You".
6.
Mayor Giuliani using "baseball fever" as excuse to spray city with toxic chemicals.
5.
More school absence notes mentioning "torn rotator cuff".
4.
Crazy guys in subway adding infield chatter to usual rantings.
3.
New Trump Tower built in the shape of Mike Piazza's well-manicured mustache.
2.
Hookers offering baseball special: for $100 they'll be the Yanker and you can be the Yankee.
1.
Upsurge in newborns named "Knoblauch".

TOP TEN
Least Popular Baseball Anthems

by David Letterman ©
April 28, 2000
#
Reason
10.
"Take Me Out To The Corporate-Sponsored Megaplex"
9.
"Scratch My Groin For The Cameras"
8.
"Trade Me Off To Toronto"
7.
"Buy Me Some Expensive Counterfeit Sports Memorabilia"
6.
"Why's My Girlfriend Kissing Jeter?"
5.
"Puffy Shoots, Shoots, Shoots At The Night Club"
4.
"My Ass Looks Slimmer In Pinstripes"
3.
"Let's Root, Root, Root For The Cubbies, If They Don't Win - Actually, That
Won't Be A Big Surprise"
2.
"Sex Is Fun At The Ballpark, Buck Naked In The Stands"
1.
"For It's One, Two Strikes You're Out 'Cuz The Ump Is A Drunk"

TOP TEN
Signs Your Baseball Team Is Rusty

by David Letterman ©
March 29, 2000
#
Reason
10.
When umpire yells "Ball 2!" batter runs to first base.
9.
Player gets injured putting on his hat.
8.
Normal infield chatter replaced with, "Please, lord, don't hit it to me!"
7.
There are 16 guys playing second base.
6.
They're only just getting the hang of patting each other on the ass.
5.
Three whole months go by before first drug suspension.
4.
Batter complains to umpire that pitches are just too darn fast.
3.
John Rocker can't think of a single insulting nickname for his cabdriver.
2.
They scratch their bats and cork their groins.
1.
Runner gets thrown out stealing mound.

TOP TEN
Baseball Euphemisms For Sex

by David Letterman ©
September 20, 2001
#
Reason
10.

Working the rosin bag.

9.

Comebacker.

8.

Charging the mound.

7.

Riding the pine.

6.

Jerking one into the seats.

5.

Coming from behind.

4.

Doubleheader.

3.

Going deep in the hole.

2.

The big unit.

1.

Visiting Busch Stadium.

TOP TEN
Signs Your Baseball Team Isn't Ready For The Regular Season

by David Letterman ©
March 27, 2002
#
Reason
10.

Your lead-off hitter is 8 months pregnant.

9.

Every time pitcher throws ball, catcher screams, "Ow!"

8.

Outfielders distracted by big fluffy clouds that sometimes look like bunnies.

7.

Best hitter refuses to work weekends.

6.

Only time players demonstrate hustle is when they're being chased by undercover
vice cops.

5.

Spirited locker room debates about how many strikes to an out.

4.

Starters ask to be excused from fielding drills to watch "The View".

3.

Most promising rookie recently swallowed a rosin bag.

2.

Team name contains words "Devil" and "Rays".

1.

Nobody can keep his mind on the game with that sexy Derek Jeter running around.



During a typical baseball season, David Letterman almost cracks a baseball joke every single day of the week.

Every single David Letterman Top Ten baseball related list can be found at Baseball Almanac — a truly comprehensive / unique collection that we hope you enjoy.

Did you know that David Letterman is a fan of the New York Yankees ? Share your own top ten lists with fans from EVERY team on Baseball Fever .

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